Our precious baby boy

I started a new blog!

2009-04-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say thank you for following my blog. I decided to start a new one. tarachris2@blogspot.com I feel like this baby deserves a new fresh start so I am dedicating my new blog to just him or her. I would love for you to join us in this crazy journey!

We did it!!! Got a BFP!!

2009-03-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

It’s been two weeks since I found out I was pregnant. I’ve wanted to blog but I was afraid that if I put it in writing it would jinx it and honestly with all the Dr. appointment and running around I just haven’t had the time.
So, I found out the day before my birthday. My fertility friend chart was looking awesome and all the girls from BBC were really getting my hopes up. That Saturday morning was 14dpo. I used the first response pregnancy test and got a BFP. There was no guessing. There were two very dark lines. I walked into the bedroom and woke up Chris with the good news. It was a wonderful birthday gift! Sunday we went to Atlantic City. I got a free room at Cesar’s and I had booked dinner at Budakan. The rooms were wonderful and the bed was so comfortable. Dinner was amazing. We couldn’t stop licking our fingers. It would have been nice to have a drink. Chris had a Mie tie and he was nice enough to give me his cherry. Reality sank it when I realized I couldn’t have a drink. No drinking, no smoking and no hot tub!! It’s going to be a very long summer, but so worth it!!
So, after our fun weekend I called my high risk Dr. to make an appointment. He had said to come in immediately once I found out I am pregnant. Well the receptionist booked my appointment for April 2nd. After arguing with her she said I could come in for blood work that Friday, which I did. So, Friday March 20th I got a phone call in the afternoon from one of the nurses’ congratulation me and telling me my numbers looked really good. I mentioned to her what the Dr. had to me about the blood thinner and she said to come in on Monday for more blood work and she would talk to the Dr. then. I went in Monday morning and reminded the nurse and she went right into the Dr. office. He said if my number went up that day that I should start the blood thinner the following day. So I got a call the following day from the nurse. My numbers had tripled and she wanted me to come in and get my prescription and instruction for the lovenox. I went in at 2:30. Chris came with me because I was so nervous. I thought she was going to make me inject the shot right there and then, but she didn’t. The instruction took 5 minutes and we left. I went strait to the pharmacist and had the prescription filled. I head heard horror stories about how expensive Lovenox was. To my surprise it was on $17 for a three month prescription. I was extremely thrilled.
Tuesday night I went about with my normal routine and than at 10 pm I grab my glass of water with ice and headed upstairs to bed. I iced my stomach for a few minutes, cleaned the area with the rubbing alcohol and stuck the needle in. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I only got a tiny little bruise. I was thinking… I can totally do this!!! This is easy!! Everything is going to work out. I felt great.
The next night I did the same thing but this time the needle pinched going in and than stung like hell for 10 minutes. I was crying on the phone with Chris. I can’t do this for 9 months!!! I have a huge purple bruise on my stomach the size of a half-dollar. The next few nights weren’t as bad. I have bruises all around my belly button. Not very attractive, but I guess if this works it will be worth it!

I had a bit of a scare this weekend. Chris and I did a lot of running around and than we had sex in the afternoon on Saturday. Saturday night after dinner I went to the bathroom and I saw brown blood on the toilet paper. I freaked out and started crying. I thought it was the start of a miscarriage. All these terrible thoughts went through my head. I kept thinking this was it. If I lose this baby there is no hope for the future. This treatment I am on is my only hope. If it does work we have to discuss other options. I not mentally ready for that. The blood went away and I just had some light cramping. I spent the rest of Satruday and most of Sunday on the couch. I guess I have to wait until Thursday to find out if everything is OK. Its our first ultrasound. I don’t know if its too early to hear the heart beat but I am praying that we do. I’ll fell much better than.

Six Months???

2009-02-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

I walked into work today excited that it was Friday and that I made it through another week. As I put my stuff down on my desk I just happened to glance at the calendar. Friday, Feb. 27th. Why does that number bother me? As I just wrote that I realized the number 27 is my husband’s favorite number, he was also born on the 27th. When we go to AC we always play number 27 on roulette. But this time as I looked at the number an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. I realized its 6 months today since I lost my son. Could it really be six months? I can’t believe that much time has gone by. How did I not know that the six months angelvirsary was today? I’ve lost track of time. Six months? That’s a whole half of a year!!!Gone. When did time start flying by so fast? What have I been doing? Why does it all seem like a blur? I just noticed I didn’t even post around my EDD. I know I was sick with a cold than but I guess I didn’t have the same feelings of sorrow. What kind of a person am I, what kind of a mother would forget about the six month anniversary of losing their baby? I know why. It’s because I have been completely obsessed with trying to get pregnant again. It’s become my life. It’s all I do. Not a minute goes by where I am not reading, discussing, posting, temping, testing and thinking about becoming pregnant. It has completely taken over my life!!! My mind knows that no pregnancy and child will ever take the place of the one I lost, but my heart doesn’t know the difference. It just wants to love a living baby and it just feels like once it can do that everything will be OK. I don’t talk about ttc with my family or friends. To them it’s not a big deal. Mom always says, don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again. You’ll have a baby. Don’t try so hard, it will just happen. I get more pissed every time she says it. How the hell does she know? Did she forget that I lost a baby? It’s like everyone forgot. No one asks me how I ‘m doing. No one ever brings it up. It’s like it never happened. I feel completely alone and depressed. I remember the day my OB told me there was no heart beat. It’s a day I will never forget and I remember it like it was yesterday. It has changed me forever. My pregnancy was the most amazing 16 weeks of my life and now I feel like I will never be truly happy again. What if I never get pregnant again? What if I never am able to carry a baby to full term? I long to know what if feel like to carry a baby, to feel it move, kick and hiccup. I dream about laboring for hours and than hearing the sweet sound of a crying baby, my baby. The fear and anxiety I have about getting pregnant again is overwhelming. I feel like I have been robbed of my chances of truly having a blissful pregnancy. I feel like I have lost myself in this ttc journey.
Baby boy, I am so sorry. Mommy loves you. You know she would never forget you. I loved you from the moment you were conceived and I dreamed about the day I could hold you in my arms. You were taken too soon, but I find solace in knowing you are in heaven with God and playing peacefully with your Great grand parents. You will always be my first child. I will never forget you.

I'm not looking forward to my trip

2009-01-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

So today is Tuesday. It is my first day back to work after a long holiday weekend. I had hoped for a great weekend before I left for Canada. I leave tonight after work at 8pm. Friday night I went to see my friend El and her new baby boy, Antonio. I had been putting of visiting for almost two months. He is absolutely adorable and I couldn’t be happier for her, but at the same time I couldn't wait to get out of there. I held the baby for a half hour and it took every ounce of strength I have to keep from crying. It's still unimaginable to me that I would have had a son in three weeks. I left Ell’s house and went to my friend Susie's. She has two children. A boy and a girl. They are older, 4 and almost 2 and a lot more fun. They loved the Christmas gifts I gave them and seeing them running around and playing put a smile on my face.
Sunday my husband and I went to our friend Larry’s father’s wake. He died suddenly for reasons I still do not understand. There were so many people and flowers. I just can't help but wonder, how many lives did he touch?
Anyway, we got home around nine, I went to the bathroom and to my surprise AF showed up. She gave me no sign she was coming. No bloating, no cramping, no back pain!! She is 7 days early. I am so upset and disappointed. I had planned my Canada trip this week in the hope that it would get me thought the 2ww, but now I am leaving knowing that I am still not pregnant. I shouldn't even be going on this trip. I had stopped traveling in August. I thought I would be out on maternity leave by now, maybe even looking for a new job and never having to travel away from my family again. I don't want to go to Canada. I do not want to spend my nights in a hotel room. It gets so lonely and depressing. I can’t wait for this week to be over.

Stupid weekend, Stupid OPK!!!!!

2009-01-13T13:16:00.000-08:00

So, 2009 has not started in the way I had hoped. My husband has been sick with a terrible cold for the last two weeks, and I have been fighting it. We decided to BD every other day in the hopes of ttc this month. I am really hoping to be pregnant before my EDD of Feb. 7th. The EOD thing has been going well except for the fact that DH and I work opposite shift, so we have to BD when he gets home around 1am!!! I am completely exhausted and not in the mood and it is taking all the fun and excitement out of making a baby. I have been taking an OPK every day since Jan. 4th. I thought I started early because I ran out of test by Saturday and had to buy a new pack. I still have not gotten a positive read on the OPK. I am really concerned. The OPk worked for me last time!!! My cycle is off a few days, so I just don’t know exactly when I will O. Maybe I did already! I hope we didn’t miss is. We should have BD on Saturday but we were both feeling sick and I had just received bad news from my neighbor and good friend. Her and her husband have been trying to have a baby for a while. She went into the hospital on Wednesday to find out she had an ectopic pregnancy. The embryo had to be cut out and she had a D&C. She was in the hospital over night. Her Dr. informed her that she has to wait three cycles to give her body to heal. I fell just terrible for them. I spent Saturday morning with her crying. Her husband is ten years older than her and they are desperate to have a baby before he feels too old. I guess between her bad news and my cold, I was just not in the mood for BD. So, we BD on Thursday, not Friday or Saturday…but we BD on Sunday and Monday. I hope it was good enough. I am leaving for Canada next week so that will keep my mind off of testing for a while. I return on Friday Jan. 23rd and I plan on testing either that night or the next morning. I guess there is nothing left to do but pray!

Looking Forward To A New Year

2008-12-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

Today was my first day back to work after having five days off. Christmas wasn’t as bad as I had expected. I cried my eyes the day before Christmas Eve after I got a BFN that morning. I cried from 7 am to 9pm right before I got into bed. I think I cried myself out, if that is even possible, so I did not shed one tear on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. My sister got me as her secret Santa. She bought me the most beautiful tapestry. Its about 6 feet tall and has a picture of The Chinese bodhisattva (Buddhistic prophet) to whom childless women turn for help, Guan-Yin. It is just beautiful. We hung it at the top of the stairs so that she will be the first thing we see before we go to bed. DH was sick with the flu, so Fri, Sat, Sun I spent the days reading and relaxing in the hot tub. I haven’t had that much time to myself if in a long time and it felt OK to be alone. AF finally showed up Christmas Eve, around 1 am on the way home from my parent’s house. So do I count Christmas Eve as cycle day one or Christmas day? I guess Christmas day. So my cycle was 32 days. Off, but I guess not by much. I have high hopes for Jan. I travel for work, so I am in the process of planning a trip to Canada some time after ovulation. This whole baby making thing is making my job difficult and I am eventually going to have to make a very hard decision. DH and I plan on doing the EOD thing starting next week. I don’t think I will temp but I will probably spend the money on an OPK. New Years Eve is tomorrow night and we really don’t have big plans. Last year we had a party and invited all our neighbors and family. This year I think just my brother in law and his girlfriend are coming over. My sister will be home with her boyfriend and new puppy. I’ve never looked forward to New Years Eve, I always looked at it as another year gone by. This time I am looking forward to saying goodbye to 2008. At midnight I will be thinking of all the women on Babycenter.com and wishing them and myself BFP’s and successful pregnancies for 2009.I just know this is going to be a better year for all of us!

A BFN right before Christmas

2008-12-23T14:54:00.000-08:00

I knew in my heart that I was not pregnant; however, I couldn't help myself. I took a home pregnancy test last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I don't know why I did it. I knew it was too early to test, yet I did it anyway. I set my self up for disappointment. Why would I do that? I don't enjoy being miserable, I don't enjoy crying, so why did I do it? I just don't know. Anyway, I did not test on Saturday or Sunday. AF was supposed to show up on Sunday or Monday. My cycle is almost always 28 or 29 days. I had cramping all weekend end, so I knew for sure that she was going show her ugly face. But she didn't. No AF on Sunday or Monday. By Monday night I was giggling and laughing, I must be pregnant!!! I am never late!!! I will hold off until Tuesday morning and than I will take a HPT, get a positive reading and call the Dr. immediately. So, today is Tuesday. I woke up early and took the test. A BFN!!! I don't understand. No AF and a BFN! Where is she? Why has she not showed up? Now what is wrong with me?? I just don't know how much more of this I can take. First I find out I am going to have trouble carrying a baby and now am I going to have problems conceiving??? That is not fair. It should be one or the other...not both!!!!! If I am going to have a pregnancy filled with nine months of fear and anxiety, you would think I should at least get pregnant immediately. Right?? I cried more today than I have in 3 months!! Everyone one I work with is joyfully wishing each other happy holiday and I am sitting in my cubicle hiding from the world. My eyes are puffy and my face is chafed from the hard paper towel from the bathroom. If I can barely make it thought today, how in hell am I going to make it through Christmas? I just want to sleep through the holiday. My husband and I will be with our families. We always spend the holidays together because our family is so small. The holidays are very quiet and it a constant reminder of what is missing. No children. My brother in law is not married and my sister doesn’t want children. I am my parent’s last hope. I see the disappointment in their eyes and it tares me apart. I feel like a failure. I’ve let my parents and my husband down. I waited too long to want a baby. 8 years!!!! We should have tried soon, when I was younger. Maybe back then my body wouldn’t have betrayed me. Merry Christmas to me.

"Out of difficulties grow miracles"- Jean de la Bruyere

2008-12-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

I am hoping that this weekend we will start to grow our miracle. It’s been three months since we lost our baby. I feel like I am ready to start trying again, but I also feel like if I get pregnant I will be moving forward and leaving our baby behind.
I don't even know if I can get pregnant. The first time we tried for two months, than I bought an OPK and we got pregnant on the first try. What are the chances of that happening again? I did by an OPK. Our neighbor’s daughter works at CVS and she gets 30% off so I had her pick me up one. I stated testing on Wednesday. Noting yet, but I don't I will ovulate until Sunday or Monday. I know my body has changed since the D&C. I feel different mentally and physically. I am not having panic attacks anymore and the anxiety isn't as prominent as it was. My period are shorter and lighter, Cramps aren't as terrible, I am sleeping better, even orgasms feel different! I wonder if it’s the thyroid medicine or maybe the extra B6 and B12. I don't know if this will affect my fertility. I am scared to find out. I have such high hopes for this weekend. The last time I got pregnant, it was a weekend in May and we had spent the Saturday evening with my best friend and her husband. They had just moved into a new condo and it was the first time my husband and I had be invited to dinner. The ironic this is that we haven't really seen each other since than, and they just happen to be coming over for dinner this weekend! Maybe they are out good luck charm!! It is also our 8th anniversary on Tuesday. We are celebrating it on Sunday. We have appointments at the Fountain Spa in Ramsey. Half hour Jacuzzi, side by side massages, he is getting a facial and I am getting may nails done! It should be wonderful. I am hoping that the combination of my best friend coming over, our anniversary, and a relaxing day at the spa and a stress free atmosphere will help us conceive our miracle anniversary baby.

"I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”-C.S Lewis

2008-12-01T13:05:00.000-08:00

I am really upset right now. I just called a very good friend of mine to see how she was feeling. Her due date was this week and I knew she was getting anxious. I got her husband on the phone. I asked to speak to her and he said she was out with the baby... of course I said, "What baby" and he said, "OH, she didn't call you, we had the baby over a week ago!!!" I can't believe she hasn't called me. We have been friends for almost 15 years, we planned on getting pregnant together, she was nine weeks ahead of me, we also registered together!!! She was there for me when I lost my baby. She has sent me emails telling me she loves me, and what a great friend I am and that she has been praying for me every night in the hopes that I would be able to have a baby. She knew I was excited about her baby and that I wanted to come to the hospital to see her.. I just can't beleive its been over a week and she hasn't even called!!! Is she trying to protect me? Because I don't feel protected, I feel ignored and left out. I feel like I was the last one to find out. I can't stop crying. I am at work and I just want to go home.

The light at the end of the tunnel is not only flickering, but is getting nearer and nearer.- Mohagher Iqbad

2008-11-24T13:53:00.000-08:00

It’s been almost three months since we lost our son. Three months of Doctor appointments, crying, blood tests, no answers, crying, crazy explanations, my own research, crying, waiting, praying, hoping, patiently waiting, crying, and discussing. Three months of thinking I will never be able to carry a child. Three months of thinking that I will in no way be able to give my husband a biological child. Three months of thinking that I am a failure and that I truly have no purpose. Three months of torturing myself, grieving, pretending that I am ok for the sake of everyone else, playing games with my brain, blaming myself, forgiving myself, and having everyone around me for not understanding. Three months of feeling lost, trapped, vulnerable, feeling like this empty feeling would never end and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, today, finally I am starting to see the tiniest flickering of light!! We had our pre-conception consultation today with Dr. Alvarez. I was nervous about the appointment, so worried about what he was going to say. He was very kind and strait to the point. He explained out situation to us in a way we could finally understand. He has already planned a treatment for me and even though he said it would not bee 100% effective, he seemed optimistic. The plan includes me taking B6, B16, folic acid, blood thinner and prednisone. He said “Get pregnant on Monday and come back on Friday.” So that is our plan. We are not going to stress over the treatment right now, we are just going to concentrate on getting pregnant. I am so excited that we now have something to focus on. The last me three months have consumed me; I have not been able to concentrate on anything else. Now, I have something to look forward to. This is going to be a whole new life’s journey and I can’t wait to see where it takes us.

Susan McOmber - “A woman can learn a lot from holding a new baby. It is life beginning again—sweet possibilities!

2008-11-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

I got the OK from my RE to TTC.....I spoke to my RE. Dr. Cho last night. He confirmed my test results. I am so excited that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. He also confirmed that I had the antibodies for the cytomegalovirus (CMV), but he was unable to tell if I contracted it while I was pregnant. His final conclusion about my loss was that either the CMV caused it or my thyroid. He does not believe that the chronic histiocytic intervillositis was the cause of the miscarriage. He said we can go ahead and try to get pregnant and that I don't have to see him again until after I conceive. I am very excited because I really want to ttc right away, but I am scared to death. I am still very suspicious about this chronic histiocytic intervillositis. We are going to wait one more week. We see a high risk Dr. on Monday. I can't wait to hear what he has to say.

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention. - Oscar Wilde

2008-11-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

The last three months have been very difficult for me and there have been many days were I did not want to get out of bed and come to work, but coming in today on this Monday morning and receiving a care package from one of my C-TPAT companies, Kellogg Company has put a smile on my face. The package was filled with cookies, crackers, granola bars, cereals and an orange Tony the Tiger T-Shirt!!! Today, I am having a great day and as I enjoy my treats, I know I will continue to have a smile on my face for the rest of the week!! It just amazes me, how the smallest act of generosity and kindness from a stranger can completely uplift my mood. I am going to try and hold on to this feeling as long as possible! Happy Monday!

There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count.”Dr. Robert

2008-11-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

GOOD NEWS: I've patiently waited one week to call the RE for my test results. Dr. Cho was not in, so I had to speak to the nurse. The Rubella, Toxoplasmosis and herpies test came back negative...which I knew it would, but I tested positive for the antibodies for Cytomegalovirus. Of course i flipped out as soon as she told me because I have no idea what this virus is. She explained to me that it is a very common virus and most adults get it before the age of 40. The problem is that if you get it while you are pregnant you can miscarry. The thing is, we don't know if I got the virus while I was pregnant. The good news is that it the virus caused the miscarriage than it is unlikely that it would happen again.

BAD NEW: I spoke with the pathologist today. She explained to me what CHI is and how uncommon and understudied it is. She also said that is was not mentioned on my pathology report as a cause of miscarriage, but as a finding. Since no one knows what causes it, the first thing suggested is that you are tested for viral infections and that is why she told Dr. Cho to test me. So, She does not know for sure if the CHI caused the miscarriage or if the viral infection did and basically there is no way to really know until I get pregnant again. She also said that CHI recurrence is more around 40-60% than 70% which is what I originally thought.

I am relieved and excited to know that there is nothing seriously wrong with, however I just feel like if I had an illness, than it could be treated and I can get pregnant again and not have to worry so much. Know I just feel like I have to take a chance and hope for a good outcome. I am filled with mixed emotions. What if i do get pregnant and it happen again. I just don't know if I can deal with another loss. I have an appointment with a MFM on Nov. 24t. I can't wait to hear his opinion. I'm wondering if he will give me some immune suppressants just in case or if He suggests I get pregnant with out it. Either way, I am scared and just don't know who I am suppose to believe or trust.

I still can't believe I am not pregnant anymore. Its been almost three months and it still feels like yesterday. I miss being pregnant. I miss my baby.

Viral infection?

2008-11-07T06:20:00.001-08:00

So, I just go back from my Dr. appointment. I didn't get to see Dr. Cho so I was a little disappointed. I had blood drawn. The nurse butchered my arm and it's now all bruised. I don't know why they always have a hard time finding my veins! I asked the nurse what they were testing me for and she said, rubella, toxoplasmosis and herpies. I truly believe I do not have any of this viruses and will be completely shocked if I do. Of course the test result will not be back for over a week. By the time I get the test back I will be having more blood drawn for my Thyroid. I have been taking thyroid medicine since I got pregnant and Dr. Cho just upped my medication to 75mg. I am also taking selenium. It's suppose to help lower the antibodies. I don't know if this was the cause of the miscarriage, but i guess it can't hurt to have it regulated. I have had an under active thyroid for probably 2 years now and never knew it. I've never felt any different, just tired... but I am always tired. I was hoping that once I stated the medication I would feel less tired or be able to lose some weight, but that hasn't happened at all.
Today I got an email from a company I had worked with in August. I had traveled to Germany with this company and I was pregnant at the time. Of course the first words in the email was... How's the baby? Its so hard to respond to that. I sent him a polite short email explaining and I think he just felt terrible. I couldn't help but start crying. Its been a while since someone has asked me about the baby. I guess I just wasn't prepared to hear it.
Well, its Friday and i am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend.

Pathology report

2008-11-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

I just go off the phone with my RE, Dr. Cho and I am more confused now than ever. I have been waiting 3 weeks for him to go to UMDNJ to review my pathology slides with Dr. Heller. Dr. Heller is the pathologist who has also reviewed my new friend BB's slides. Dr. Heller sent BB's slides to Dr. Boyd in Boston. Dr. Boyd has done research on CHI. Dr. Heller and Dr. Boyd have consulted on BB's case, so Dr. Heller has experience in CHI. WEll, Dr.Cho spoke to her and the consensus together was that I got a viral infection when I was pregnant which caused the baby to pass, which than caused my body to react and attack the placenta. If this is true than than this is great news. I just have to be tested for viral infections and hopefully it can be treated before the next pregnancy. I should be very excited, however my gut is telling me something is wrong. Knowing that CHI causes poor fetal outcome and reoccurs 70% of the time, why would Dr. Heller put this on my pathology report and than later on says it could have been viral. I asked Dr. Cho if CHI caused the miscarriage and he said no, CHI shows a possible viral infection. I thought CHI is... not shows... maybe i am putting too much thought into this. Why can't I just believe that everything is going to be ok. What if I do get pregnant and I miscarry again and it turn out the reason was CHI and I didn't do anything to prevent it. I think I would feel ashamed, like a failure because I didn't do everything in my power to prevent it. Because I wasn't aggressive enough, because I trusted my Dr.'s...Uggh...I am so frustrated!!!

Unknown - “'The shortest distance between new friends is a smile.”

2008-11-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

I made a new friend and her name is BB. After weeks and weeks of searching the internet and different baby blogs, i finally found someone who has gotten the same diagnosis as I. A friend of hers saw my post and emailed her. BB contacted me that day through babycenter.com and we have been email buddies ever since. She has had some terrable losses and my heart just breaks for her. She is cuurently trying to concieve and it turn out she is seein a RE in the same practice I go to. What are the changes of that! She has sent me numberous emails and articles on chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis. You just can't understand how great it feels to know there is someone else out there going through the same crap that I am. Losing a baby is terrable, but to know that every time i get pregnant my body will attack the baby is beyond devistating. BB has been extrememly supportive. We have a connection that noone could ever understand. She has researched this condition and I trust her advise. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying every night that BB and I will be able to get pregnant together and carry our babies to full term.

“To be tested is good. The challenged life may be the best therapist.”- Gail Sheehy

2008-10-31T09:40:00.000-07:00

The pathology report suggested CHI. Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis. I have done a ton of reseach on it and have found only one other women who has it. It’s basically and immune problem where my body attacks the placenta filling up the spaces between the uterus and placenta with white blood cells cutting off the nutrients to the baby. From what I have read, it is uncommon and suggests poor fetal outcome. My OB referred me to an RE. I went three weeks ago. He tested my thyroid and ran tests for Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus. He was not sure if the CHI started once I got pregnant and continued until it cut of the nutrients to the baby or if the CHI was a result of the baby passing and my body trying to expel it. The tests came back negative and my thyroid was slightly off so he adjusted my medicine. I have to go back to him in 2 weeks. The RE was also supposed to go see my pathology slides, which he still has not done because the pathologist has been on vacation. So, I was very confused at to what my next step is. I also had told him that I tested slightly positive for rheumatoid arthritis when I was a kid so he made me track down those records and I plan on sending them to him next week. I asked him if he would treat me once I got pregnant or if an MFM would. He said that once I get pregnant I would see my regular OB and that he would refer me to an MFM. I asked him, if this CHI starts as soon as I get pregnant shouldn’t I be treated immediately and he said a rheumatologist would treat me with steroids. Couldn’t an MFM do this as well? Do I have to see an RE, OB MFM and a rheumatologist?? Should I make an appointment now with an MFM or wait?? If I make an appointment with an MFM will it seem like I am jumping ahead to fast? The waiting is killing me. I just finished AF and I though t I would have been able to TTC by now. What do you think? Wait for the RE or make an appointment with an MFM now? I want to trust the RE but I am so skeptical, considering that this CHI is so uncommon and not many Dr. know about it. I am afraid that if I get pregnant, by the time I get to see an MFM it might be too late. Am I just being over anxious? What are your experiences with MFM’s? Did you have prepregnancy consultations or were you referred after you got pregnant? I am so confused!!!....

Sometimes I even ask myself if all this has really happened, if its pictures dwell in truth in my memory, and not merely in my imaginatio-Jules Verne

2008-10-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in this past month. On Sept. 25 I anxiously waited form my OB to call me with the pathology results. I was expecting him to tell me that the baby dies due to a chromosone issue or that the test were inconclusive. I was ready to accept either. I had made peace with the fact that my baby was gone and I was anxious to get new that it would be ok ttc again.

That night I waited by the phone and my OB called at 8pm. He had devistating news. My baby was completely healthy. My body was the culprit. The pathology report suggested CHI. Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis. Dr. Gallo hadn't seen it in 25 years. He told me that CHi suggests poor fetal outcome for future pregnancies. I was in shock!!! Now what? He suggested I see a Reporductive Endocryologist. I made the appointment with Dr. Cho and waited four weeks to see him.

I don't think Dr. Cho is convinced of the CHI. He is going to see my pathology slides himself. He also ran test for RA and Lupus which came back negative. I the CGI does exist than it can be treated with steroids, but there is no guarentee. I asked him today if he would treat me and he said no, a rhumatologuist. I am so confused. i thought I didn't have RA. I am stating to think that I am seeing the wrong kind of Dr. Maybe I should be seeing an MFM Dr. I called Dr. Alvarez office to get some information. According to his nurse he has see CHI and has treated it. I have an appointment at the end of November. More waiting!!!! I was hoping to ttc by now. Looks like it won't happen until next year!! This is so frustrating. I wish I was pregnant. Maybe if I was pregnant it would be easier to wake up it the morning. I wouldn't be thinking "oh, I would have been 26 weeks today"

I also found out that the baby was a boy. We named him Angelo or Angioletto meaning little angel. We burried his ultasound photos along with his teddybear under our favorite fig tree in the back yeard. My mother hung a rosary beads and a wind chime on the tree.

I love you baby boy... I will never forget you

The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool;

2008-09-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

Today is exactly three weeks from when I went into the hospital for a D&C. It seems like it was yesterday. I can't believe it's been three weeks. The overwhelming feeling of sadness and disappointment seems to be getting easier, but I think it’s only because I am working so hard at it. I don't cry every minute of the day like I did the first week, however if I let my brain wander for too long, I start to break down and sob. I am tired of crying. I am tired of seeing pregnant women and hating them. I am tired of seeing new born babies in the store, or commercials about babies or diapers or anything related. I don't want to hear about other peoples children. I am tired of people asking me if I am ok. I am just tired. I just want to sleep until after February when my baby was due.

My story goes like this. My husband and I are childhood sweethearts. We were together for ten years before we got married. December 9th of this year will be our 8th anniversary. I can not believe we have been together for 18 years. We put off having a baby for our own selfish reason but finally decided to start trying in March. With the help of an OPK we go pregnant in May. We were so excited we wanted to tell everyone. We waited until father’s day to tell our parents. This would have been the first grandchild in the family. We got our parents reaction to the news on video and its something that I will never forget. They were over come with joy.

I had a perfect pregnancy. No morning sickness. I felt great! We went for our 12 week ultra sound and the baby looked perfect. The heartbeat was strong at 175.

For my 16 week appointment my husband had to work. I didn't think it would be a big deal if he missed it since the dr. was not doing an ultrasound. My blood pressure was good, my weight gain was on target and I had passed my NT with flying colors. The Dr. started to look for the heart beat and was unable to fin it using the Doppler. He made me move into another room so he could use the ultrasound machine. He still was not able to find the heart beat. He then did an internal ultrasound which also did not show any good results. My Dr. was 99.9% positive that the baby has passed but he set up an appointment for me with another Dr. for a second opinion. I left the office and don’t remember how I got home. That Tuesday morning my husband and I were told that the babies’ heart had stopped and we had to schedule a D&C for the next day. The waiting was unbearable and I couldn’t wait to get the whole experience over with.

Last week I went for my 2 weeks check up. The dr. said my body is back to normal and I should expect AF very soon. We have to call on the 27th to find out the test results. I hope and pray that there will be some kind of answer as to what happened. I don’t think I would handle this happening again.

We did not find out the sex of the baby but the more I think about it, the more I want to know. I plan to ask on the 27th. I feel like I need to name the baby and have a private memorial. We plan to bury the ultrasound photo under our favorite fig tree in the back yard. I hope that will give me some closure.