Today is exactly three weeks from when I went into the hospital for a D&C. It seems like it was yesterday. I can't believe it's been three weeks. The overwhelming feeling of sadness and disappointment seems to be getting easier, but I think it’s only because I am working so hard at it. I don't cry every minute of the day like I did the first week, however if I let my brain wander for too long, I start to break down and sob. I am tired of crying. I am tired of seeing pregnant women and hating them. I am tired of seeing new born babies in the store, or commercials about babies or diapers or anything related. I don't want to hear about other peoples children. I am tired of people asking me if I am ok. I am just tired. I just want to sleep until after February when my baby was due.
My story goes like this. My husband and I are childhood sweethearts. We were together for ten years before we got married. December 9th of this year will be our 8th anniversary. I can not believe we have been together for 18 years. We put off having a baby for our own selfish reason but finally decided to start trying in March. With the help of an OPK we go pregnant in May. We were so excited we wanted to tell everyone. We waited until father’s day to tell our parents. This would have been the first grandchild in the family. We got our parents reaction to the news on video and its something that I will never forget. They were over come with joy.
I had a perfect pregnancy. No morning sickness. I felt great! We went for our 12 week ultra sound and the baby looked perfect. The heartbeat was strong at 175.
For my 16 week appointment my husband had to work. I didn't think it would be a big deal if he missed it since the dr. was not doing an ultrasound. My blood pressure was good, my weight gain was on target and I had passed my NT with flying colors. The Dr. started to look for the heart beat and was unable to fin it using the Doppler. He made me move into another room so he could use the ultrasound machine. He still was not able to find the heart beat. He then did an internal ultrasound which also did not show any good results. My Dr. was 99.9% positive that the baby has passed but he set up an appointment for me with another Dr. for a second opinion. I left the office and don’t remember how I got home. That Tuesday morning my husband and I were told that the babies’ heart had stopped and we had to schedule a D&C for the next day. The waiting was unbearable and I couldn’t wait to get the whole experience over with.
Last week I went for my 2 weeks check up. The dr. said my body is back to normal and I should expect AF very soon. We have to call on the 27th to find out the test results. I hope and pray that there will be some kind of answer as to what happened. I don’t think I would handle this happening again.
We did not find out the sex of the baby but the more I think about it, the more I want to know. I plan to ask on the 27th. I feel like I need to name the baby and have a private memorial. We plan to bury the ultrasound photo under our favorite fig tree in the back yard. I hope that will give me some closure.
Its been awhile.....
14 years ago
