Six Months???

I walked into work today excited that it was Friday and that I made it through another week. As I put my stuff down on my desk I just happened to glance at the calendar. Friday, Feb. 27th. Why does that number bother me? As I just wrote that I realized the number 27 is my husband’s favorite number, he was also born on the 27th. When we go to AC we always play number 27 on roulette. But this time as I looked at the number an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. I realized its 6 months today since I lost my son. Could it really be six months? I can’t believe that much time has gone by. How did I not know that the six months angelvirsary was today? I’ve lost track of time. Six months? That’s a whole half of a year!!!Gone. When did time start flying by so fast? What have I been doing? Why does it all seem like a blur? I just noticed I didn’t even post around my EDD. I know I was sick with a cold than but I guess I didn’t have the same feelings of sorrow. What kind of a person am I, what kind of a mother would forget about the six month anniversary of losing their baby? I know why. It’s because I have been completely obsessed with trying to get pregnant again. It’s become my life. It’s all I do. Not a minute goes by where I am not reading, discussing, posting, temping, testing and thinking about becoming pregnant. It has completely taken over my life!!! My mind knows that no pregnancy and child will ever take the place of the one I lost, but my heart doesn’t know the difference. It just wants to love a living baby and it just feels like once it can do that everything will be OK. I don’t talk about ttc with my family or friends. To them it’s not a big deal. Mom always says, don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again. You’ll have a baby. Don’t try so hard, it will just happen. I get more pissed every time she says it. How the hell does she know? Did she forget that I lost a baby? It’s like everyone forgot. No one asks me how I ‘m doing. No one ever brings it up. It’s like it never happened. I feel completely alone and depressed. I remember the day my OB told me there was no heart beat. It’s a day I will never forget and I remember it like it was yesterday. It has changed me forever. My pregnancy was the most amazing 16 weeks of my life and now I feel like I will never be truly happy again. What if I never get pregnant again? What if I never am able to carry a baby to full term? I long to know what if feel like to carry a baby, to feel it move, kick and hiccup. I dream about laboring for hours and than hearing the sweet sound of a crying baby, my baby. The fear and anxiety I have about getting pregnant again is overwhelming. I feel like I have been robbed of my chances of truly having a blissful pregnancy. I feel like I have lost myself in this ttc journey.
Baby boy, I am so sorry. Mommy loves you. You know she would never forget you. I loved you from the moment you were conceived and I dreamed about the day I could hold you in my arms. You were taken too soon, but I find solace in knowing you are in heaven with God and playing peacefully with your Great grand parents. You will always be my first child. I will never forget you.