A BFN right before Christmas

I knew in my heart that I was not pregnant; however, I couldn't help myself. I took a home pregnancy test last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I don't know why I did it. I knew it was too early to test, yet I did it anyway. I set my self up for disappointment. Why would I do that? I don't enjoy being miserable, I don't enjoy crying, so why did I do it? I just don't know. Anyway, I did not test on Saturday or Sunday. AF was supposed to show up on Sunday or Monday. My cycle is almost always 28 or 29 days. I had cramping all weekend end, so I knew for sure that she was going show her ugly face. But she didn't. No AF on Sunday or Monday. By Monday night I was giggling and laughing, I must be pregnant!!! I am never late!!! I will hold off until Tuesday morning and than I will take a HPT, get a positive reading and call the Dr. immediately. So, today is Tuesday. I woke up early and took the test. A BFN!!! I don't understand. No AF and a BFN! Where is she? Why has she not showed up? Now what is wrong with me?? I just don't know how much more of this I can take. First I find out I am going to have trouble carrying a baby and now am I going to have problems conceiving??? That is not fair. It should be one or the other...not both!!!!! If I am going to have a pregnancy filled with nine months of fear and anxiety, you would think I should at least get pregnant immediately. Right?? I cried more today than I have in 3 months!! Everyone one I work with is joyfully wishing each other happy holiday and I am sitting in my cubicle hiding from the world. My eyes are puffy and my face is chafed from the hard paper towel from the bathroom. If I can barely make it thought today, how in hell am I going to make it through Christmas? I just want to sleep through the holiday. My husband and I will be with our families. We always spend the holidays together because our family is so small. The holidays are very quiet and it a constant reminder of what is missing. No children. My brother in law is not married and my sister doesn’t want children. I am my parent’s last hope. I see the disappointment in their eyes and it tares me apart. I feel like a failure. I’ve let my parents and my husband down. I waited too long to want a baby. 8 years!!!! We should have tried soon, when I was younger. Maybe back then my body wouldn’t have betrayed me. Merry Christmas to me.