Six Months???

I walked into work today excited that it was Friday and that I made it through another week. As I put my stuff down on my desk I just happened to glance at the calendar. Friday, Feb. 27th. Why does that number bother me? As I just wrote that I realized the number 27 is my husband’s favorite number, he was also born on the 27th. When we go to AC we always play number 27 on roulette. But this time as I looked at the number an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. I realized its 6 months today since I lost my son. Could it really be six months? I can’t believe that much time has gone by. How did I not know that the six months angelvirsary was today? I’ve lost track of time. Six months? That’s a whole half of a year!!!Gone. When did time start flying by so fast? What have I been doing? Why does it all seem like a blur? I just noticed I didn’t even post around my EDD. I know I was sick with a cold than but I guess I didn’t have the same feelings of sorrow. What kind of a person am I, what kind of a mother would forget about the six month anniversary of losing their baby? I know why. It’s because I have been completely obsessed with trying to get pregnant again. It’s become my life. It’s all I do. Not a minute goes by where I am not reading, discussing, posting, temping, testing and thinking about becoming pregnant. It has completely taken over my life!!! My mind knows that no pregnancy and child will ever take the place of the one I lost, but my heart doesn’t know the difference. It just wants to love a living baby and it just feels like once it can do that everything will be OK. I don’t talk about ttc with my family or friends. To them it’s not a big deal. Mom always says, don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again. You’ll have a baby. Don’t try so hard, it will just happen. I get more pissed every time she says it. How the hell does she know? Did she forget that I lost a baby? It’s like everyone forgot. No one asks me how I ‘m doing. No one ever brings it up. It’s like it never happened. I feel completely alone and depressed. I remember the day my OB told me there was no heart beat. It’s a day I will never forget and I remember it like it was yesterday. It has changed me forever. My pregnancy was the most amazing 16 weeks of my life and now I feel like I will never be truly happy again. What if I never get pregnant again? What if I never am able to carry a baby to full term? I long to know what if feel like to carry a baby, to feel it move, kick and hiccup. I dream about laboring for hours and than hearing the sweet sound of a crying baby, my baby. The fear and anxiety I have about getting pregnant again is overwhelming. I feel like I have been robbed of my chances of truly having a blissful pregnancy. I feel like I have lost myself in this ttc journey.
Baby boy, I am so sorry. Mommy loves you. You know she would never forget you. I loved you from the moment you were conceived and I dreamed about the day I could hold you in my arms. You were taken too soon, but I find solace in knowing you are in heaven with God and playing peacefully with your Great grand parents. You will always be my first child. I will never forget you.

I'm not looking forward to my trip

So today is Tuesday. It is my first day back to work after a long holiday weekend. I had hoped for a great weekend before I left for Canada. I leave tonight after work at 8pm. Friday night I went to see my friend El and her new baby boy, Antonio. I had been putting of visiting for almost two months. He is absolutely adorable and I couldn’t be happier for her, but at the same time I couldn't wait to get out of there. I held the baby for a half hour and it took every ounce of strength I have to keep from crying. It's still unimaginable to me that I would have had a son in three weeks. I left Ell’s house and went to my friend Susie's. She has two children. A boy and a girl. They are older, 4 and almost 2 and a lot more fun. They loved the Christmas gifts I gave them and seeing them running around and playing put a smile on my face.
Sunday my husband and I went to our friend Larry’s father’s wake. He died suddenly for reasons I still do not understand. There were so many people and flowers. I just can't help but wonder, how many lives did he touch?
Anyway, we got home around nine, I went to the bathroom and to my surprise AF showed up. She gave me no sign she was coming. No bloating, no cramping, no back pain!! She is 7 days early. I am so upset and disappointed. I had planned my Canada trip this week in the hope that it would get me thought the 2ww, but now I am leaving knowing that I am still not pregnant. I shouldn't even be going on this trip. I had stopped traveling in August. I thought I would be out on maternity leave by now, maybe even looking for a new job and never having to travel away from my family again. I don't want to go to Canada. I do not want to spend my nights in a hotel room. It gets so lonely and depressing. I can’t wait for this week to be over.

Stupid weekend, Stupid OPK!!!!!

So, 2009 has not started in the way I had hoped. My husband has been sick with a terrible cold for the last two weeks, and I have been fighting it. We decided to BD every other day in the hopes of ttc this month. I am really hoping to be pregnant before my EDD of Feb. 7th. The EOD thing has been going well except for the fact that DH and I work opposite shift, so we have to BD when he gets home around 1am!!! I am completely exhausted and not in the mood and it is taking all the fun and excitement out of making a baby. I have been taking an OPK every day since Jan. 4th. I thought I started early because I ran out of test by Saturday and had to buy a new pack. I still have not gotten a positive read on the OPK. I am really concerned. The OPk worked for me last time!!! My cycle is off a few days, so I just don’t know exactly when I will O. Maybe I did already! I hope we didn’t miss is. We should have BD on Saturday but we were both feeling sick and I had just received bad news from my neighbor and good friend. Her and her husband have been trying to have a baby for a while. She went into the hospital on Wednesday to find out she had an ectopic pregnancy. The embryo had to be cut out and she had a D&C. She was in the hospital over night. Her Dr. informed her that she has to wait three cycles to give her body to heal. I fell just terrible for them. I spent Saturday morning with her crying. Her husband is ten years older than her and they are desperate to have a baby before he feels too old. I guess between her bad news and my cold, I was just not in the mood for BD. So, we BD on Thursday, not Friday or Saturday…but we BD on Sunday and Monday. I hope it was good enough. I am leaving for Canada next week so that will keep my mind off of testing for a while. I return on Friday Jan. 23rd and I plan on testing either that night or the next morning. I guess there is nothing left to do but pray!

Looking Forward To A New Year

Today was my first day back to work after having five days off. Christmas wasn’t as bad as I had expected. I cried my eyes the day before Christmas Eve after I got a BFN that morning. I cried from 7 am to 9pm right before I got into bed. I think I cried myself out, if that is even possible, so I did not shed one tear on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. My sister got me as her secret Santa. She bought me the most beautiful tapestry. Its about 6 feet tall and has a picture of The Chinese bodhisattva (Buddhistic prophet) to whom childless women turn for help, Guan-Yin. It is just beautiful. We hung it at the top of the stairs so that she will be the first thing we see before we go to bed. DH was sick with the flu, so Fri, Sat, Sun I spent the days reading and relaxing in the hot tub. I haven’t had that much time to myself if in a long time and it felt OK to be alone. AF finally showed up Christmas Eve, around 1 am on the way home from my parent’s house. So do I count Christmas Eve as cycle day one or Christmas day? I guess Christmas day. So my cycle was 32 days. Off, but I guess not by much. I have high hopes for Jan. I travel for work, so I am in the process of planning a trip to Canada some time after ovulation. This whole baby making thing is making my job difficult and I am eventually going to have to make a very hard decision. DH and I plan on doing the EOD thing starting next week. I don’t think I will temp but I will probably spend the money on an OPK. New Years Eve is tomorrow night and we really don’t have big plans. Last year we had a party and invited all our neighbors and family. This year I think just my brother in law and his girlfriend are coming over. My sister will be home with her boyfriend and new puppy. I’ve never looked forward to New Years Eve, I always looked at it as another year gone by. This time I am looking forward to saying goodbye to 2008. At midnight I will be thinking of all the women on Babycenter.com and wishing them and myself BFP’s and successful pregnancies for 2009.I just know this is going to be a better year for all of us!

A BFN right before Christmas

I knew in my heart that I was not pregnant; however, I couldn't help myself. I took a home pregnancy test last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I don't know why I did it. I knew it was too early to test, yet I did it anyway. I set my self up for disappointment. Why would I do that? I don't enjoy being miserable, I don't enjoy crying, so why did I do it? I just don't know. Anyway, I did not test on Saturday or Sunday. AF was supposed to show up on Sunday or Monday. My cycle is almost always 28 or 29 days. I had cramping all weekend end, so I knew for sure that she was going show her ugly face. But she didn't. No AF on Sunday or Monday. By Monday night I was giggling and laughing, I must be pregnant!!! I am never late!!! I will hold off until Tuesday morning and than I will take a HPT, get a positive reading and call the Dr. immediately. So, today is Tuesday. I woke up early and took the test. A BFN!!! I don't understand. No AF and a BFN! Where is she? Why has she not showed up? Now what is wrong with me?? I just don't know how much more of this I can take. First I find out I am going to have trouble carrying a baby and now am I going to have problems conceiving??? That is not fair. It should be one or the other...not both!!!!! If I am going to have a pregnancy filled with nine months of fear and anxiety, you would think I should at least get pregnant immediately. Right?? I cried more today than I have in 3 months!! Everyone one I work with is joyfully wishing each other happy holiday and I am sitting in my cubicle hiding from the world. My eyes are puffy and my face is chafed from the hard paper towel from the bathroom. If I can barely make it thought today, how in hell am I going to make it through Christmas? I just want to sleep through the holiday. My husband and I will be with our families. We always spend the holidays together because our family is so small. The holidays are very quiet and it a constant reminder of what is missing. No children. My brother in law is not married and my sister doesn’t want children. I am my parent’s last hope. I see the disappointment in their eyes and it tares me apart. I feel like a failure. I’ve let my parents and my husband down. I waited too long to want a baby. 8 years!!!! We should have tried soon, when I was younger. Maybe back then my body wouldn’t have betrayed me. Merry Christmas to me.

"Out of difficulties grow miracles"- Jean de la Bruyere

I am hoping that this weekend we will start to grow our miracle. It’s been three months since we lost our baby. I feel like I am ready to start trying again, but I also feel like if I get pregnant I will be moving forward and leaving our baby behind.
I don't even know if I can get pregnant. The first time we tried for two months, than I bought an OPK and we got pregnant on the first try. What are the chances of that happening again? I did by an OPK. Our neighbor’s daughter works at CVS and she gets 30% off so I had her pick me up one. I stated testing on Wednesday. Noting yet, but I don't I will ovulate until Sunday or Monday. I know my body has changed since the D&C. I feel different mentally and physically. I am not having panic attacks anymore and the anxiety isn't as prominent as it was. My period are shorter and lighter, Cramps aren't as terrible, I am sleeping better, even orgasms feel different! I wonder if it’s the thyroid medicine or maybe the extra B6 and B12. I don't know if this will affect my fertility. I am scared to find out. I have such high hopes for this weekend. The last time I got pregnant, it was a weekend in May and we had spent the Saturday evening with my best friend and her husband. They had just moved into a new condo and it was the first time my husband and I had be invited to dinner. The ironic this is that we haven't really seen each other since than, and they just happen to be coming over for dinner this weekend! Maybe they are out good luck charm!! It is also our 8th anniversary on Tuesday. We are celebrating it on Sunday. We have appointments at the Fountain Spa in Ramsey. Half hour Jacuzzi, side by side massages, he is getting a facial and I am getting may nails done! It should be wonderful. I am hoping that the combination of my best friend coming over, our anniversary, and a relaxing day at the spa and a stress free atmosphere will help us conceive our miracle anniversary baby.

"I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”-C.S Lewis

I am really upset right now. I just called a very good friend of mine to see how she was feeling. Her due date was this week and I knew she was getting anxious. I got her husband on the phone. I asked to speak to her and he said she was out with the baby... of course I said, "What baby" and he said, "OH, she didn't call you, we had the baby over a week ago!!!" I can't believe she hasn't called me. We have been friends for almost 15 years, we planned on getting pregnant together, she was nine weeks ahead of me, we also registered together!!! She was there for me when I lost my baby. She has sent me emails telling me she loves me, and what a great friend I am and that she has been praying for me every night in the hopes that I would be able to have a baby. She knew I was excited about her baby and that I wanted to come to the hospital to see her.. I just can't beleive its been over a week and she hasn't even called!!! Is she trying to protect me? Because I don't feel protected, I feel ignored and left out. I feel like I was the last one to find out. I can't stop crying. I am at work and I just want to go home.