The light at the end of the tunnel is not only flickering, but is getting nearer and nearer.- Mohagher Iqbad

It’s been almost three months since we lost our son. Three months of Doctor appointments, crying, blood tests, no answers, crying, crazy explanations, my own research, crying, waiting, praying, hoping, patiently waiting, crying, and discussing. Three months of thinking I will never be able to carry a child. Three months of thinking that I will in no way be able to give my husband a biological child. Three months of thinking that I am a failure and that I truly have no purpose. Three months of torturing myself, grieving, pretending that I am ok for the sake of everyone else, playing games with my brain, blaming myself, forgiving myself, and having everyone around me for not understanding. Three months of feeling lost, trapped, vulnerable, feeling like this empty feeling would never end and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, today, finally I am starting to see the tiniest flickering of light!! We had our pre-conception consultation today with Dr. Alvarez. I was nervous about the appointment, so worried about what he was going to say. He was very kind and strait to the point. He explained out situation to us in a way we could finally understand. He has already planned a treatment for me and even though he said it would not bee 100% effective, he seemed optimistic. The plan includes me taking B6, B16, folic acid, blood thinner and prednisone. He said “Get pregnant on Monday and come back on Friday.” So that is our plan. We are not going to stress over the treatment right now, we are just going to concentrate on getting pregnant. I am so excited that we now have something to focus on. The last me three months have consumed me; I have not been able to concentrate on anything else. Now, I have something to look forward to. This is going to be a whole new life’s journey and I can’t wait to see where it takes us.

Susan McOmber - “A woman can learn a lot from holding a new baby. It is life beginning again—sweet possibilities!

I got the OK from my RE to TTC.....I spoke to my RE. Dr. Cho last night. He confirmed my test results. I am so excited that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. He also confirmed that I had the antibodies for the cytomegalovirus (CMV), but he was unable to tell if I contracted it while I was pregnant. His final conclusion about my loss was that either the CMV caused it or my thyroid. He does not believe that the chronic histiocytic intervillositis was the cause of the miscarriage. He said we can go ahead and try to get pregnant and that I don't have to see him again until after I conceive. I am very excited because I really want to ttc right away, but I am scared to death. I am still very suspicious about this chronic histiocytic intervillositis. We are going to wait one more week. We see a high risk Dr. on Monday. I can't wait to hear what he has to say.

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention. - Oscar Wilde

The last three months have been very difficult for me and there have been many days were I did not want to get out of bed and come to work, but coming in today on this Monday morning and receiving a care package from one of my C-TPAT companies, Kellogg Company has put a smile on my face. The package was filled with cookies, crackers, granola bars, cereals and an orange Tony the Tiger T-Shirt!!! Today, I am having a great day and as I enjoy my treats, I know I will continue to have a smile on my face for the rest of the week!! It just amazes me, how the smallest act of generosity and kindness from a stranger can completely uplift my mood. I am going to try and hold on to this feeling as long as possible! Happy Monday!

There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count.”Dr. Robert

GOOD NEWS: I've patiently waited one week to call the RE for my test results. Dr. Cho was not in, so I had to speak to the nurse. The Rubella, Toxoplasmosis and herpies test came back negative...which I knew it would, but I tested positive for the antibodies for Cytomegalovirus. Of course i flipped out as soon as she told me because I have no idea what this virus is. She explained to me that it is a very common virus and most adults get it before the age of 40. The problem is that if you get it while you are pregnant you can miscarry. The thing is, we don't know if I got the virus while I was pregnant. The good news is that it the virus caused the miscarriage than it is unlikely that it would happen again.

BAD NEW: I spoke with the pathologist today. She explained to me what CHI is and how uncommon and understudied it is. She also said that is was not mentioned on my pathology report as a cause of miscarriage, but as a finding. Since no one knows what causes it, the first thing suggested is that you are tested for viral infections and that is why she told Dr. Cho to test me. So, She does not know for sure if the CHI caused the miscarriage or if the viral infection did and basically there is no way to really know until I get pregnant again. She also said that CHI recurrence is more around 40-60% than 70% which is what I originally thought.

I am relieved and excited to know that there is nothing seriously wrong with, however I just feel like if I had an illness, than it could be treated and I can get pregnant again and not have to worry so much. Know I just feel like I have to take a chance and hope for a good outcome. I am filled with mixed emotions. What if i do get pregnant and it happen again. I just don't know if I can deal with another loss. I have an appointment with a MFM on Nov. 24t. I can't wait to hear his opinion. I'm wondering if he will give me some immune suppressants just in case or if He suggests I get pregnant with out it. Either way, I am scared and just don't know who I am suppose to believe or trust.

I still can't believe I am not pregnant anymore. Its been almost three months and it still feels like yesterday. I miss being pregnant. I miss my baby.

Viral infection?

So, I just go back from my Dr. appointment. I didn't get to see Dr. Cho so I was a little disappointed. I had blood drawn. The nurse butchered my arm and it's now all bruised. I don't know why they always have a hard time finding my veins! I asked the nurse what they were testing me for and she said, rubella, toxoplasmosis and herpies. I truly believe I do not have any of this viruses and will be completely shocked if I do. Of course the test result will not be back for over a week. By the time I get the test back I will be having more blood drawn for my Thyroid. I have been taking thyroid medicine since I got pregnant and Dr. Cho just upped my medication to 75mg. I am also taking selenium. It's suppose to help lower the antibodies. I don't know if this was the cause of the miscarriage, but i guess it can't hurt to have it regulated. I have had an under active thyroid for probably 2 years now and never knew it. I've never felt any different, just tired... but I am always tired. I was hoping that once I stated the medication I would feel less tired or be able to lose some weight, but that hasn't happened at all.
Today I got an email from a company I had worked with in August. I had traveled to Germany with this company and I was pregnant at the time. Of course the first words in the email was... How's the baby? Its so hard to respond to that. I sent him a polite short email explaining and I think he just felt terrible. I couldn't help but start crying. Its been a while since someone has asked me about the baby. I guess I just wasn't prepared to hear it.
Well, its Friday and i am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend.

Pathology report

I just go off the phone with my RE, Dr. Cho and I am more confused now than ever. I have been waiting 3 weeks for him to go to UMDNJ to review my pathology slides with Dr. Heller. Dr. Heller is the pathologist who has also reviewed my new friend BB's slides. Dr. Heller sent BB's slides to Dr. Boyd in Boston. Dr. Boyd has done research on CHI. Dr. Heller and Dr. Boyd have consulted on BB's case, so Dr. Heller has experience in CHI. WEll, Dr.Cho spoke to her and the consensus together was that I got a viral infection when I was pregnant which caused the baby to pass, which than caused my body to react and attack the placenta. If this is true than than this is great news. I just have to be tested for viral infections and hopefully it can be treated before the next pregnancy. I should be very excited, however my gut is telling me something is wrong. Knowing that CHI causes poor fetal outcome and reoccurs 70% of the time, why would Dr. Heller put this on my pathology report and than later on says it could have been viral. I asked Dr. Cho if CHI caused the miscarriage and he said no, CHI shows a possible viral infection. I thought CHI is... not shows... maybe i am putting too much thought into this. Why can't I just believe that everything is going to be ok. What if I do get pregnant and I miscarry again and it turn out the reason was CHI and I didn't do anything to prevent it. I think I would feel ashamed, like a failure because I didn't do everything in my power to prevent it. Because I wasn't aggressive enough, because I trusted my Dr.'s...Uggh...I am so frustrated!!!

Unknown - “'The shortest distance between new friends is a smile.”

I made a new friend and her name is BB. After weeks and weeks of searching the internet and different baby blogs, i finally found someone who has gotten the same diagnosis as I. A friend of hers saw my post and emailed her. BB contacted me that day through babycenter.com and we have been email buddies ever since. She has had some terrable losses and my heart just breaks for her. She is cuurently trying to concieve and it turn out she is seein a RE in the same practice I go to. What are the changes of that! She has sent me numberous emails and articles on chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis. You just can't understand how great it feels to know there is someone else out there going through the same crap that I am. Losing a baby is terrable, but to know that every time i get pregnant my body will attack the baby is beyond devistating. BB has been extrememly supportive. We have a connection that noone could ever understand. She has researched this condition and I trust her advise. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying every night that BB and I will be able to get pregnant together and carry our babies to full term.