Looking Forward To A New Year

Today was my first day back to work after having five days off. Christmas wasn’t as bad as I had expected. I cried my eyes the day before Christmas Eve after I got a BFN that morning. I cried from 7 am to 9pm right before I got into bed. I think I cried myself out, if that is even possible, so I did not shed one tear on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. My sister got me as her secret Santa. She bought me the most beautiful tapestry. Its about 6 feet tall and has a picture of The Chinese bodhisattva (Buddhistic prophet) to whom childless women turn for help, Guan-Yin. It is just beautiful. We hung it at the top of the stairs so that she will be the first thing we see before we go to bed. DH was sick with the flu, so Fri, Sat, Sun I spent the days reading and relaxing in the hot tub. I haven’t had that much time to myself if in a long time and it felt OK to be alone. AF finally showed up Christmas Eve, around 1 am on the way home from my parent’s house. So do I count Christmas Eve as cycle day one or Christmas day? I guess Christmas day. So my cycle was 32 days. Off, but I guess not by much. I have high hopes for Jan. I travel for work, so I am in the process of planning a trip to Canada some time after ovulation. This whole baby making thing is making my job difficult and I am eventually going to have to make a very hard decision. DH and I plan on doing the EOD thing starting next week. I don’t think I will temp but I will probably spend the money on an OPK. New Years Eve is tomorrow night and we really don’t have big plans. Last year we had a party and invited all our neighbors and family. This year I think just my brother in law and his girlfriend are coming over. My sister will be home with her boyfriend and new puppy. I’ve never looked forward to New Years Eve, I always looked at it as another year gone by. This time I am looking forward to saying goodbye to 2008. At midnight I will be thinking of all the women on Babycenter.com and wishing them and myself BFP’s and successful pregnancies for 2009.I just know this is going to be a better year for all of us!

A BFN right before Christmas

I knew in my heart that I was not pregnant; however, I couldn't help myself. I took a home pregnancy test last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I don't know why I did it. I knew it was too early to test, yet I did it anyway. I set my self up for disappointment. Why would I do that? I don't enjoy being miserable, I don't enjoy crying, so why did I do it? I just don't know. Anyway, I did not test on Saturday or Sunday. AF was supposed to show up on Sunday or Monday. My cycle is almost always 28 or 29 days. I had cramping all weekend end, so I knew for sure that she was going show her ugly face. But she didn't. No AF on Sunday or Monday. By Monday night I was giggling and laughing, I must be pregnant!!! I am never late!!! I will hold off until Tuesday morning and than I will take a HPT, get a positive reading and call the Dr. immediately. So, today is Tuesday. I woke up early and took the test. A BFN!!! I don't understand. No AF and a BFN! Where is she? Why has she not showed up? Now what is wrong with me?? I just don't know how much more of this I can take. First I find out I am going to have trouble carrying a baby and now am I going to have problems conceiving??? That is not fair. It should be one or the other...not both!!!!! If I am going to have a pregnancy filled with nine months of fear and anxiety, you would think I should at least get pregnant immediately. Right?? I cried more today than I have in 3 months!! Everyone one I work with is joyfully wishing each other happy holiday and I am sitting in my cubicle hiding from the world. My eyes are puffy and my face is chafed from the hard paper towel from the bathroom. If I can barely make it thought today, how in hell am I going to make it through Christmas? I just want to sleep through the holiday. My husband and I will be with our families. We always spend the holidays together because our family is so small. The holidays are very quiet and it a constant reminder of what is missing. No children. My brother in law is not married and my sister doesn’t want children. I am my parent’s last hope. I see the disappointment in their eyes and it tares me apart. I feel like a failure. I’ve let my parents and my husband down. I waited too long to want a baby. 8 years!!!! We should have tried soon, when I was younger. Maybe back then my body wouldn’t have betrayed me. Merry Christmas to me.

"Out of difficulties grow miracles"- Jean de la Bruyere

I am hoping that this weekend we will start to grow our miracle. It’s been three months since we lost our baby. I feel like I am ready to start trying again, but I also feel like if I get pregnant I will be moving forward and leaving our baby behind.
I don't even know if I can get pregnant. The first time we tried for two months, than I bought an OPK and we got pregnant on the first try. What are the chances of that happening again? I did by an OPK. Our neighbor’s daughter works at CVS and she gets 30% off so I had her pick me up one. I stated testing on Wednesday. Noting yet, but I don't I will ovulate until Sunday or Monday. I know my body has changed since the D&C. I feel different mentally and physically. I am not having panic attacks anymore and the anxiety isn't as prominent as it was. My period are shorter and lighter, Cramps aren't as terrible, I am sleeping better, even orgasms feel different! I wonder if it’s the thyroid medicine or maybe the extra B6 and B12. I don't know if this will affect my fertility. I am scared to find out. I have such high hopes for this weekend. The last time I got pregnant, it was a weekend in May and we had spent the Saturday evening with my best friend and her husband. They had just moved into a new condo and it was the first time my husband and I had be invited to dinner. The ironic this is that we haven't really seen each other since than, and they just happen to be coming over for dinner this weekend! Maybe they are out good luck charm!! It is also our 8th anniversary on Tuesday. We are celebrating it on Sunday. We have appointments at the Fountain Spa in Ramsey. Half hour Jacuzzi, side by side massages, he is getting a facial and I am getting may nails done! It should be wonderful. I am hoping that the combination of my best friend coming over, our anniversary, and a relaxing day at the spa and a stress free atmosphere will help us conceive our miracle anniversary baby.

"I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”-C.S Lewis

I am really upset right now. I just called a very good friend of mine to see how she was feeling. Her due date was this week and I knew she was getting anxious. I got her husband on the phone. I asked to speak to her and he said she was out with the baby... of course I said, "What baby" and he said, "OH, she didn't call you, we had the baby over a week ago!!!" I can't believe she hasn't called me. We have been friends for almost 15 years, we planned on getting pregnant together, she was nine weeks ahead of me, we also registered together!!! She was there for me when I lost my baby. She has sent me emails telling me she loves me, and what a great friend I am and that she has been praying for me every night in the hopes that I would be able to have a baby. She knew I was excited about her baby and that I wanted to come to the hospital to see her.. I just can't beleive its been over a week and she hasn't even called!!! Is she trying to protect me? Because I don't feel protected, I feel ignored and left out. I feel like I was the last one to find out. I can't stop crying. I am at work and I just want to go home.

The light at the end of the tunnel is not only flickering, but is getting nearer and nearer.- Mohagher Iqbad

It’s been almost three months since we lost our son. Three months of Doctor appointments, crying, blood tests, no answers, crying, crazy explanations, my own research, crying, waiting, praying, hoping, patiently waiting, crying, and discussing. Three months of thinking I will never be able to carry a child. Three months of thinking that I will in no way be able to give my husband a biological child. Three months of thinking that I am a failure and that I truly have no purpose. Three months of torturing myself, grieving, pretending that I am ok for the sake of everyone else, playing games with my brain, blaming myself, forgiving myself, and having everyone around me for not understanding. Three months of feeling lost, trapped, vulnerable, feeling like this empty feeling would never end and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Well, today, finally I am starting to see the tiniest flickering of light!! We had our pre-conception consultation today with Dr. Alvarez. I was nervous about the appointment, so worried about what he was going to say. He was very kind and strait to the point. He explained out situation to us in a way we could finally understand. He has already planned a treatment for me and even though he said it would not bee 100% effective, he seemed optimistic. The plan includes me taking B6, B16, folic acid, blood thinner and prednisone. He said “Get pregnant on Monday and come back on Friday.” So that is our plan. We are not going to stress over the treatment right now, we are just going to concentrate on getting pregnant. I am so excited that we now have something to focus on. The last me three months have consumed me; I have not been able to concentrate on anything else. Now, I have something to look forward to. This is going to be a whole new life’s journey and I can’t wait to see where it takes us.

Susan McOmber - “A woman can learn a lot from holding a new baby. It is life beginning again—sweet possibilities!

I got the OK from my RE to TTC.....I spoke to my RE. Dr. Cho last night. He confirmed my test results. I am so excited that there is nothing seriously wrong with me. He also confirmed that I had the antibodies for the cytomegalovirus (CMV), but he was unable to tell if I contracted it while I was pregnant. His final conclusion about my loss was that either the CMV caused it or my thyroid. He does not believe that the chronic histiocytic intervillositis was the cause of the miscarriage. He said we can go ahead and try to get pregnant and that I don't have to see him again until after I conceive. I am very excited because I really want to ttc right away, but I am scared to death. I am still very suspicious about this chronic histiocytic intervillositis. We are going to wait one more week. We see a high risk Dr. on Monday. I can't wait to hear what he has to say.

The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention. - Oscar Wilde

The last three months have been very difficult for me and there have been many days were I did not want to get out of bed and come to work, but coming in today on this Monday morning and receiving a care package from one of my C-TPAT companies, Kellogg Company has put a smile on my face. The package was filled with cookies, crackers, granola bars, cereals and an orange Tony the Tiger T-Shirt!!! Today, I am having a great day and as I enjoy my treats, I know I will continue to have a smile on my face for the rest of the week!! It just amazes me, how the smallest act of generosity and kindness from a stranger can completely uplift my mood. I am going to try and hold on to this feeling as long as possible! Happy Monday!

There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count.”Dr. Robert

GOOD NEWS: I've patiently waited one week to call the RE for my test results. Dr. Cho was not in, so I had to speak to the nurse. The Rubella, Toxoplasmosis and herpies test came back negative...which I knew it would, but I tested positive for the antibodies for Cytomegalovirus. Of course i flipped out as soon as she told me because I have no idea what this virus is. She explained to me that it is a very common virus and most adults get it before the age of 40. The problem is that if you get it while you are pregnant you can miscarry. The thing is, we don't know if I got the virus while I was pregnant. The good news is that it the virus caused the miscarriage than it is unlikely that it would happen again.

BAD NEW: I spoke with the pathologist today. She explained to me what CHI is and how uncommon and understudied it is. She also said that is was not mentioned on my pathology report as a cause of miscarriage, but as a finding. Since no one knows what causes it, the first thing suggested is that you are tested for viral infections and that is why she told Dr. Cho to test me. So, She does not know for sure if the CHI caused the miscarriage or if the viral infection did and basically there is no way to really know until I get pregnant again. She also said that CHI recurrence is more around 40-60% than 70% which is what I originally thought.

I am relieved and excited to know that there is nothing seriously wrong with, however I just feel like if I had an illness, than it could be treated and I can get pregnant again and not have to worry so much. Know I just feel like I have to take a chance and hope for a good outcome. I am filled with mixed emotions. What if i do get pregnant and it happen again. I just don't know if I can deal with another loss. I have an appointment with a MFM on Nov. 24t. I can't wait to hear his opinion. I'm wondering if he will give me some immune suppressants just in case or if He suggests I get pregnant with out it. Either way, I am scared and just don't know who I am suppose to believe or trust.

I still can't believe I am not pregnant anymore. Its been almost three months and it still feels like yesterday. I miss being pregnant. I miss my baby.

Viral infection?

So, I just go back from my Dr. appointment. I didn't get to see Dr. Cho so I was a little disappointed. I had blood drawn. The nurse butchered my arm and it's now all bruised. I don't know why they always have a hard time finding my veins! I asked the nurse what they were testing me for and she said, rubella, toxoplasmosis and herpies. I truly believe I do not have any of this viruses and will be completely shocked if I do. Of course the test result will not be back for over a week. By the time I get the test back I will be having more blood drawn for my Thyroid. I have been taking thyroid medicine since I got pregnant and Dr. Cho just upped my medication to 75mg. I am also taking selenium. It's suppose to help lower the antibodies. I don't know if this was the cause of the miscarriage, but i guess it can't hurt to have it regulated. I have had an under active thyroid for probably 2 years now and never knew it. I've never felt any different, just tired... but I am always tired. I was hoping that once I stated the medication I would feel less tired or be able to lose some weight, but that hasn't happened at all.
Today I got an email from a company I had worked with in August. I had traveled to Germany with this company and I was pregnant at the time. Of course the first words in the email was... How's the baby? Its so hard to respond to that. I sent him a polite short email explaining and I think he just felt terrible. I couldn't help but start crying. Its been a while since someone has asked me about the baby. I guess I just wasn't prepared to hear it.
Well, its Friday and i am looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend.

Pathology report

I just go off the phone with my RE, Dr. Cho and I am more confused now than ever. I have been waiting 3 weeks for him to go to UMDNJ to review my pathology slides with Dr. Heller. Dr. Heller is the pathologist who has also reviewed my new friend BB's slides. Dr. Heller sent BB's slides to Dr. Boyd in Boston. Dr. Boyd has done research on CHI. Dr. Heller and Dr. Boyd have consulted on BB's case, so Dr. Heller has experience in CHI. WEll, Dr.Cho spoke to her and the consensus together was that I got a viral infection when I was pregnant which caused the baby to pass, which than caused my body to react and attack the placenta. If this is true than than this is great news. I just have to be tested for viral infections and hopefully it can be treated before the next pregnancy. I should be very excited, however my gut is telling me something is wrong. Knowing that CHI causes poor fetal outcome and reoccurs 70% of the time, why would Dr. Heller put this on my pathology report and than later on says it could have been viral. I asked Dr. Cho if CHI caused the miscarriage and he said no, CHI shows a possible viral infection. I thought CHI is... not shows... maybe i am putting too much thought into this. Why can't I just believe that everything is going to be ok. What if I do get pregnant and I miscarry again and it turn out the reason was CHI and I didn't do anything to prevent it. I think I would feel ashamed, like a failure because I didn't do everything in my power to prevent it. Because I wasn't aggressive enough, because I trusted my Dr.'s...Uggh...I am so frustrated!!!

Unknown - “'The shortest distance between new friends is a smile.”

I made a new friend and her name is BB. After weeks and weeks of searching the internet and different baby blogs, i finally found someone who has gotten the same diagnosis as I. A friend of hers saw my post and emailed her. BB contacted me that day through babycenter.com and we have been email buddies ever since. She has had some terrable losses and my heart just breaks for her. She is cuurently trying to concieve and it turn out she is seein a RE in the same practice I go to. What are the changes of that! She has sent me numberous emails and articles on chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis. You just can't understand how great it feels to know there is someone else out there going through the same crap that I am. Losing a baby is terrable, but to know that every time i get pregnant my body will attack the baby is beyond devistating. BB has been extrememly supportive. We have a connection that noone could ever understand. She has researched this condition and I trust her advise. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying every night that BB and I will be able to get pregnant together and carry our babies to full term.

“To be tested is good. The challenged life may be the best therapist.”- Gail Sheehy

The pathology report suggested CHI. Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis. I have done a ton of reseach on it and have found only one other women who has it. It’s basically and immune problem where my body attacks the placenta filling up the spaces between the uterus and placenta with white blood cells cutting off the nutrients to the baby. From what I have read, it is uncommon and suggests poor fetal outcome. My OB referred me to an RE. I went three weeks ago. He tested my thyroid and ran tests for Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus. He was not sure if the CHI started once I got pregnant and continued until it cut of the nutrients to the baby or if the CHI was a result of the baby passing and my body trying to expel it. The tests came back negative and my thyroid was slightly off so he adjusted my medicine. I have to go back to him in 2 weeks. The RE was also supposed to go see my pathology slides, which he still has not done because the pathologist has been on vacation. So, I was very confused at to what my next step is. I also had told him that I tested slightly positive for rheumatoid arthritis when I was a kid so he made me track down those records and I plan on sending them to him next week. I asked him if he would treat me once I got pregnant or if an MFM would. He said that once I get pregnant I would see my regular OB and that he would refer me to an MFM. I asked him, if this CHI starts as soon as I get pregnant shouldn’t I be treated immediately and he said a rheumatologist would treat me with steroids. Couldn’t an MFM do this as well? Do I have to see an RE, OB MFM and a rheumatologist?? Should I make an appointment now with an MFM or wait?? If I make an appointment with an MFM will it seem like I am jumping ahead to fast? The waiting is killing me. I just finished AF and I though t I would have been able to TTC by now. What do you think? Wait for the RE or make an appointment with an MFM now? I want to trust the RE but I am so skeptical, considering that this CHI is so uncommon and not many Dr. know about it. I am afraid that if I get pregnant, by the time I get to see an MFM it might be too late. Am I just being over anxious? What are your experiences with MFM’s? Did you have prepregnancy consultations or were you referred after you got pregnant? I am so confused!!!....

Sometimes I even ask myself if all this has really happened, if its pictures dwell in truth in my memory, and not merely in my imaginatio-Jules Verne

So much has happened in this past month. On Sept. 25 I anxiously waited form my OB to call me with the pathology results. I was expecting him to tell me that the baby dies due to a chromosone issue or that the test were inconclusive. I was ready to accept either. I had made peace with the fact that my baby was gone and I was anxious to get new that it would be ok ttc again.

That night I waited by the phone and my OB called at 8pm. He had devistating news. My baby was completely healthy. My body was the culprit. The pathology report suggested CHI. Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis. Dr. Gallo hadn't seen it in 25 years. He told me that CHi suggests poor fetal outcome for future pregnancies. I was in shock!!! Now what? He suggested I see a Reporductive Endocryologist. I made the appointment with Dr. Cho and waited four weeks to see him.

I don't think Dr. Cho is convinced of the CHI. He is going to see my pathology slides himself. He also ran test for RA and Lupus which came back negative. I the CGI does exist than it can be treated with steroids, but there is no guarentee. I asked him today if he would treat me and he said no, a rhumatologuist. I am so confused. i thought I didn't have RA. I am stating to think that I am seeing the wrong kind of Dr. Maybe I should be seeing an MFM Dr. I called Dr. Alvarez office to get some information. According to his nurse he has see CHI and has treated it. I have an appointment at the end of November. More waiting!!!! I was hoping to ttc by now. Looks like it won't happen until next year!! This is so frustrating. I wish I was pregnant. Maybe if I was pregnant it would be easier to wake up it the morning. I wouldn't be thinking "oh, I would have been 26 weeks today"

I also found out that the baby was a boy. We named him Angelo or Angioletto meaning little angel. We burried his ultasound photos along with his teddybear under our favorite fig tree in the back yeard. My mother hung a rosary beads and a wind chime on the tree.



I love you baby boy... I will never forget you

The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool;

Today is exactly three weeks from when I went into the hospital for a D&C. It seems like it was yesterday. I can't believe it's been three weeks. The overwhelming feeling of sadness and disappointment seems to be getting easier, but I think it’s only because I am working so hard at it. I don't cry every minute of the day like I did the first week, however if I let my brain wander for too long, I start to break down and sob. I am tired of crying. I am tired of seeing pregnant women and hating them. I am tired of seeing new born babies in the store, or commercials about babies or diapers or anything related. I don't want to hear about other peoples children. I am tired of people asking me if I am ok. I am just tired. I just want to sleep until after February when my baby was due.

My story goes like this. My husband and I are childhood sweethearts. We were together for ten years before we got married. December 9th of this year will be our 8th anniversary. I can not believe we have been together for 18 years. We put off having a baby for our own selfish reason but finally decided to start trying in March. With the help of an OPK we go pregnant in May. We were so excited we wanted to tell everyone. We waited until father’s day to tell our parents. This would have been the first grandchild in the family. We got our parents reaction to the news on video and its something that I will never forget. They were over come with joy.

I had a perfect pregnancy. No morning sickness. I felt great! We went for our 12 week ultra sound and the baby looked perfect. The heartbeat was strong at 175.

For my 16 week appointment my husband had to work. I didn't think it would be a big deal if he missed it since the dr. was not doing an ultrasound. My blood pressure was good, my weight gain was on target and I had passed my NT with flying colors. The Dr. started to look for the heart beat and was unable to fin it using the Doppler. He made me move into another room so he could use the ultrasound machine. He still was not able to find the heart beat. He then did an internal ultrasound which also did not show any good results. My Dr. was 99.9% positive that the baby has passed but he set up an appointment for me with another Dr. for a second opinion. I left the office and don’t remember how I got home. That Tuesday morning my husband and I were told that the babies’ heart had stopped and we had to schedule a D&C for the next day. The waiting was unbearable and I couldn’t wait to get the whole experience over with.

Last week I went for my 2 weeks check up. The dr. said my body is back to normal and I should expect AF very soon. We have to call on the 27th to find out the test results. I hope and pray that there will be some kind of answer as to what happened. I don’t think I would handle this happening again.


We did not find out the sex of the baby but the more I think about it, the more I want to know. I plan to ask on the 27th. I feel like I need to name the baby and have a private memorial. We plan to bury the ultrasound photo under our favorite fig tree in the back yard. I hope that will give me some closure.